We had time to kill since Barbie's flight would only get in at eight the following evening. Stash plugged his video camera into the television and played tapes from their honeymoon in Venice, that spectacular city made for sin. I listened with amused delight to their stories: Lulu's giggly enthusiasm bubbled merrily through Stash's ironic descriptions like froth on dry champagne. It was a lovely night that ended with breakfast in bed together at three in the afternoon, feasting on eggs Benedict and garlicky salami and Bellini cocktails, brought to us on silver platters by a charming dark-eyed maid in a black and white uniform that nicely fitted her slender frame. The maid glanced wide-eyed at Lulu reclining luxuriously in bed between two men. Lulu smiled at the girl and thanked her nicely but the maid just put her hand to her mouth, crossed herself, and scampered away.
"I'm even wearing pyjamas," Lulu exclaimed indignantly. "Honestly. People just assume the worst."
"I can't even get it up," I said mournfully. "Did I tell you about Lady Rudolphine and this lotion called Lethe?" I told my friends the sad story of my drug-induced impotence. "I'll remain a eunuch until I can find a good home for Anastasia's soul."
"There, there, sweetheart," Lulu said tenderly. "Don't cry. We'll find her for you."
"Evil Axel has probably got her pregnant already."
"That can be fixed," Stash said reassuringly. "In Poland we have many cures for that ill. Repression is the mother of invention."
We finished our cocktails and dressed lazily. Just as we were leaving Lulu's sumptuous suite, the phone rang.
"Maya?" Lulu exclaimed. "Where are you, angel? How fabulous. Yes, we just finished breakfast. Wait for us… we'll be right there." She hung up, her eyes shining. "Maya is here, darlings. We're to meet her at this café down the street right away."
We hurried out of the hotel into the dark evening. Cold raindrops spattered heavily down from an oddly yellow-grey sky obscured by massive black clouds. A bare-headed man in a black raincoat ran past us. The yellow lights and smoky warmth of the Café Arpad were welcome shelter from the storm.
After a short struggle with the officious maitre d' and his flunkeys, all dressed in regulation black and white, we made our way into the café. Maya was sitting at a corner table in front of plate glass windows overlooking a broad boulevard, talking intently to three swarthy men I did not recognise. She caught sight of us and her thin face lit up. We hugged for a long moment and I felt her heart beat like the pulsing of a bird.
"These are some friends who will be helping us," Maya said, tactfully not introducing her companions. "I won't bother with their names as you wouldn't be able to pronounce them anyway." We all laughed. The swarthy men had nice smiles under their grey-flecked dark moustaches. I felt grateful to them for the risk they were taking for someone they didn't even know and I tried haltingly to thank them, but was told by Maya to shut up and sit down and drink my coffee like a good child.
"So when we do this?" asked the youngest of the swarthy men.
"How we do it?" asked the middle one.
"What we do?" asked the oldest and gruffest of Maya's men.
Lulu, Stash and Maya turned in unison to look at me. So did the scowling waitress, coming up at that moment with a plate of assorted pastries.
I took a deep breath and an apple tart and extracted a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket. I smoothed it out on the table. "I was involved in renting the facility for the Budapest college so I happened to have the building floor plan," I explained. "This is the main entrance. If security here is like in Prague, then there might be steel doors and guards with sub-machine guns. We would need university identification to get in. Here are the conference rooms and the guest suites. My guess is that Axel and his men have Anastasia holed up in one of those suites while they hold their conference in the main board room. Axel has a small army of men who wear purple jump suits. I believe they are armed and dangerous."
"What is our objective?" Stash asked.
"I need ten minutes alone with Anastasia."
"Is she that hard to get?" Maya grinned. She lightly jabbed a finger at the building plan. "This is actually not so difficult. We just need to arrange a diversion so that the guards go away from the guest area."
"A demonstration at the main entrance?" Stash suggested.
Maya nodded. "That might work. Gives us enough time to sneak into the guest suites… if this plan is accurate."
"Must watch building," the oldest swarthy man said emphatically. "I no trust paper."
"You're right. Will you three mount a stake-out of the building tonight?"
"In this weather?" I protested. "I feel guilty enough as it is, getting you folks involved. I'll watch the building by myself tonight."
"Don't be silly," Maya replied acerbically. "In the first place, they know you. Secondly, you're not a trained watcher. You'll fall asleep. Third, my friends are used to jail."
"Oh, okay," I said, shame-faced. "But I don't know how to thank them for this."
"This isn't just about you," Maya replied mysteriously. "We have our own reasons." She got up. "We shouldn't spend too much time together in one place. Let's disperse for now. Think up a plan and let's meet for breakfast here tomorrow. Before four in the afternoon, okay?"
"I've got to go pick up Barbie," I told Lulu and Stash as we walked back to the hotel. "I don't know what time we'll be back."
"The room's all yours, angel," Lulu sang out, holding on to Stash's strong arm. "We'll do the night clubs and mount a little stake-out of our own."
"Have fun." I grabbed a taxi outside the hotel and asked the driver to take me to the airport. The street lights glowed vivid white against the glistening black of the night. Black and white, black and white… the flickering tapestry of light burned an obscure pattern into my mind and inchoate plans floated like paper airplanes through my brain, as I sat brooding through the long taxi ride. The flight from LA had already arrived. As I stood waiting for Barbie to clear customs, my ideas slowly gathered shape and flowered into dazzling blossom at the sight of my childhood friend striding through the arrivals area, oblivious as ever of the dropping jaws and envious gazes, lissom and svelte, long blonde hair blowing behind her and big blue eyes glistening with joy at the sight of me, the archetypal Amerikan beauty, my lovely Barbie doll.
"I missed you!" Barbie exclaimed in her inimitable child-like fashion, once I had dragged her through the drooling crowds and we were safely in a taxi headed back to the city. "I've been so lonely since Sleaze went away. I have a really bad feeling about this trip to England and my astrologer agrees…"
"Have you heard from him?"
"He called after he arrived in England, but I haven't heard from him since." Barbie pouted. "I don't think he loves me anymore."
"Of course he does, you little idiot." It didn't matter that Barbie had metamorphosed into the hottest starlet in Southern Kalifornia: I looked at the shining butterfly and saw a familiar caterpillar. For me, Barbie would always be the scrawny little girl next door with the big trusting eyes who adopted me as her big brother and whom I had tirelessly abused ever since. "But a man's got to do…"
"What does a man have to do?" Barbie prodded me in the ribs. "What is Luke up to in England? And what are you planning to do with this…" She thrust a hand into her opulent cleavage and pulled at her bra. In the mirror I saw the elderly taxi driver's eyes nearly pop out of his head as the taxi swerved alarmingly off the road.
"Barbie, wait till we get to the hotel, all right?" I scolded in alarm.
"Okay, okay. It's sort of uncomfortable, that's all."
We made it to the hotel without further mishap, and the taxi driver's eyes were so glued to Barbie's chest that he didn't even bother to bargain with me. I took my friend up to Lulu's room and opened the door for her. Barbie tip-toed in and turned to me, holding a finger to her lips.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Sshh…" Barbie looked at me reprovingly, went into the bathroom, and turned the shower on full-blast.
"What are you doing?"
"Taking off my clothes, silly."
"I can see that," I replied acidly. "And you look very nice. But what's with the silence routine?"
"Security," Barbie said, unhooking her bra and letting her splendid breasts fall free, a vision for sore eyes in the billowing steam. "Luke taught me. They can't listen to our conversation while the shower is on."
"Guess we'll have to leave the shower on for a while then. Where's the Truth drug?"
"My bra has a secret compartment."
"Tut tut. Don't tell me you need to stuff your bra these days." As a teenager, I had caught Barbie stuffing her training bra with my athletic socks, and blackmailed her into buying us milkshakes for a whole year with her pocket money.
"It's very convenient. I've smuggled all sorts of things in it. Here." Barbie handed me a small glass vial filled with glowing amber liquid.
I looked at the vial curiously. "Truth, huh? How long does it take to work?"
"Ten minutes, maybe fifteen. Works best with food."
"Maybe I should test it on you and find out if you've been naughty or nice lately."
"Very naughty." Barbie got into the marble bath and moaned throatily as the hot water cascaded down her beautiful body. "Oooh, yeah. That's what I needed. You could soap my back, you know, like you used to when we were kids. And isn't there any champagne in this joint?"
"All right, I'll soap your back and bring you some fizz. Luke's been spoiling you. You were never this demanding as a kid." I retreated out of the bathroom, clutching onto the precious fluid. "Let me just get this to safety before you throw the soap at me."
Lulu and Stash didn't get back from the night clubs until six the next morning. After ordering a little something from room service, the four of us walked sedately by the Danube embankment like good little tourists, all the while plotting mayhem and murder, until it was time to meet Maya and her companions. On the way there, we found a toy store and made a few small purchases. Over breakfast at the Café Arpad, brought grudgingly by a puffy-eyed waiter, I told my friends of my plan. Maya whistled approvingly.
"Could work," the oldest swarthy man agreed, grudgingly. "But have to get past the nuns."
"Nuns?"
"Many nuns around the building," the middle man explained. "With sub-machine guns."
"Nuns with guns," Barbie said dreamily. "Sounds like a rock band."
"They must be guarding the Cardinal," Stash said. He looked at his watch. "Well, we should get going."
I nodded in agreement. We got up, pulled out the toy pistols we had bought at the toy store, and finally got the attention of our waiter. We picked out waiters of approximately the right shape and size, forced them to take off their white and black uniforms, tied them together in a circle amidst the café's confused clientele, and gave the long-suffering pianist a handful of money to play Hungarian dances all morning. Lulu, Barbie and I piled into Stash's Mercedes and we followed the nondescript Lada Maya and her friends had rented almost to the entrance of the university building. While Maya and her companions began yelling Kurdish independence slogans through megaphones, attracting a large crowd of curious bystanders, many of whom shouted along in sympathy, Lulu, Stash, Barbie and I dressed quickly in the stolen waiters' uniforms, took up the platters of sandwiches we had ordered from room service at the Grand Hotel, and marched resolutely into the service entrance of the university building. Lulu and Barbie smiled and batted their long eyelashes at the stout nun guarding the gate and offered her a salami sandwich. The nun grunted and let us in. Once we were inside the building, Lulu and Barbie adjusted their clothes, pulling up a skirt, undoing some buttons. The irresistible waitress wenches then led the way past guards and men in purple jumpsuits, flashing smiles and cleavage in every direction, while I consulted the floor plan at each turn. We could hear the Kurdish demonstration growing in volume outside on the street, and hurried before the police arrived and dragged away our friends.
"We've got two minutes max before the guards return," Lulu said urgently, knocking down the first guest suite door. We fanned out down the corridor, searching for Anastasia. Besides a couple of cleaning ladies in mid-fuck, we saw no one. Anastasia was nowhere to be found.
"This is hopeless," I said breathlessly. "She could be anywhere. We have to interrogate Axel and his friends."
"Break into their meeting and feed them sandwiches?
"I know it's rude, Lulu, but I'm desperate."
"All right, let's do it. Sandwiches to the ready… aim, fire."
We marched down the corridor in perfect formation, past some returning jumpsuits. I opened the boardroom door noiselessly and we distributed the sandwich platters evenly along a long glittering mahogany table. The assembled dignitaries ignored us completely, their attention focused on a balding thick-set man with a drooping lower lip who was standing at the head of the room lecturing them in heavy hectoring tones. Listening is hungry work: the Truth-laden sandwiches disappeared within minutes in an orgy of chewing and gobbling. I complacently watched them take their medicine, having stashed away a couple of spare sandwiches in my pocket. Sitting inconspicuously in a corner of the boardroom, I checked my watch. Ten minutes, then fifteen. Time to tell the truth.
"I'm even wearing pyjamas," Lulu exclaimed indignantly. "Honestly. People just assume the worst."
"I can't even get it up," I said mournfully. "Did I tell you about Lady Rudolphine and this lotion called Lethe?" I told my friends the sad story of my drug-induced impotence. "I'll remain a eunuch until I can find a good home for Anastasia's soul."
"There, there, sweetheart," Lulu said tenderly. "Don't cry. We'll find her for you."
"Evil Axel has probably got her pregnant already."
"That can be fixed," Stash said reassuringly. "In Poland we have many cures for that ill. Repression is the mother of invention."
We finished our cocktails and dressed lazily. Just as we were leaving Lulu's sumptuous suite, the phone rang.
"Maya?" Lulu exclaimed. "Where are you, angel? How fabulous. Yes, we just finished breakfast. Wait for us… we'll be right there." She hung up, her eyes shining. "Maya is here, darlings. We're to meet her at this café down the street right away."
We hurried out of the hotel into the dark evening. Cold raindrops spattered heavily down from an oddly yellow-grey sky obscured by massive black clouds. A bare-headed man in a black raincoat ran past us. The yellow lights and smoky warmth of the Café Arpad were welcome shelter from the storm.
After a short struggle with the officious maitre d' and his flunkeys, all dressed in regulation black and white, we made our way into the café. Maya was sitting at a corner table in front of plate glass windows overlooking a broad boulevard, talking intently to three swarthy men I did not recognise. She caught sight of us and her thin face lit up. We hugged for a long moment and I felt her heart beat like the pulsing of a bird.
"These are some friends who will be helping us," Maya said, tactfully not introducing her companions. "I won't bother with their names as you wouldn't be able to pronounce them anyway." We all laughed. The swarthy men had nice smiles under their grey-flecked dark moustaches. I felt grateful to them for the risk they were taking for someone they didn't even know and I tried haltingly to thank them, but was told by Maya to shut up and sit down and drink my coffee like a good child.
"So when we do this?" asked the youngest of the swarthy men.
"How we do it?" asked the middle one.
"What we do?" asked the oldest and gruffest of Maya's men.
Lulu, Stash and Maya turned in unison to look at me. So did the scowling waitress, coming up at that moment with a plate of assorted pastries.
I took a deep breath and an apple tart and extracted a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket. I smoothed it out on the table. "I was involved in renting the facility for the Budapest college so I happened to have the building floor plan," I explained. "This is the main entrance. If security here is like in Prague, then there might be steel doors and guards with sub-machine guns. We would need university identification to get in. Here are the conference rooms and the guest suites. My guess is that Axel and his men have Anastasia holed up in one of those suites while they hold their conference in the main board room. Axel has a small army of men who wear purple jump suits. I believe they are armed and dangerous."
"What is our objective?" Stash asked.
"I need ten minutes alone with Anastasia."
"Is she that hard to get?" Maya grinned. She lightly jabbed a finger at the building plan. "This is actually not so difficult. We just need to arrange a diversion so that the guards go away from the guest area."
"A demonstration at the main entrance?" Stash suggested.
Maya nodded. "That might work. Gives us enough time to sneak into the guest suites… if this plan is accurate."
"Must watch building," the oldest swarthy man said emphatically. "I no trust paper."
"You're right. Will you three mount a stake-out of the building tonight?"
"In this weather?" I protested. "I feel guilty enough as it is, getting you folks involved. I'll watch the building by myself tonight."
"Don't be silly," Maya replied acerbically. "In the first place, they know you. Secondly, you're not a trained watcher. You'll fall asleep. Third, my friends are used to jail."
"Oh, okay," I said, shame-faced. "But I don't know how to thank them for this."
"This isn't just about you," Maya replied mysteriously. "We have our own reasons." She got up. "We shouldn't spend too much time together in one place. Let's disperse for now. Think up a plan and let's meet for breakfast here tomorrow. Before four in the afternoon, okay?"
"I've got to go pick up Barbie," I told Lulu and Stash as we walked back to the hotel. "I don't know what time we'll be back."
"The room's all yours, angel," Lulu sang out, holding on to Stash's strong arm. "We'll do the night clubs and mount a little stake-out of our own."
"Have fun." I grabbed a taxi outside the hotel and asked the driver to take me to the airport. The street lights glowed vivid white against the glistening black of the night. Black and white, black and white… the flickering tapestry of light burned an obscure pattern into my mind and inchoate plans floated like paper airplanes through my brain, as I sat brooding through the long taxi ride. The flight from LA had already arrived. As I stood waiting for Barbie to clear customs, my ideas slowly gathered shape and flowered into dazzling blossom at the sight of my childhood friend striding through the arrivals area, oblivious as ever of the dropping jaws and envious gazes, lissom and svelte, long blonde hair blowing behind her and big blue eyes glistening with joy at the sight of me, the archetypal Amerikan beauty, my lovely Barbie doll.
"I missed you!" Barbie exclaimed in her inimitable child-like fashion, once I had dragged her through the drooling crowds and we were safely in a taxi headed back to the city. "I've been so lonely since Sleaze went away. I have a really bad feeling about this trip to England and my astrologer agrees…"
"Have you heard from him?"
"He called after he arrived in England, but I haven't heard from him since." Barbie pouted. "I don't think he loves me anymore."
"Of course he does, you little idiot." It didn't matter that Barbie had metamorphosed into the hottest starlet in Southern Kalifornia: I looked at the shining butterfly and saw a familiar caterpillar. For me, Barbie would always be the scrawny little girl next door with the big trusting eyes who adopted me as her big brother and whom I had tirelessly abused ever since. "But a man's got to do…"
"What does a man have to do?" Barbie prodded me in the ribs. "What is Luke up to in England? And what are you planning to do with this…" She thrust a hand into her opulent cleavage and pulled at her bra. In the mirror I saw the elderly taxi driver's eyes nearly pop out of his head as the taxi swerved alarmingly off the road.
"Barbie, wait till we get to the hotel, all right?" I scolded in alarm.
"Okay, okay. It's sort of uncomfortable, that's all."
We made it to the hotel without further mishap, and the taxi driver's eyes were so glued to Barbie's chest that he didn't even bother to bargain with me. I took my friend up to Lulu's room and opened the door for her. Barbie tip-toed in and turned to me, holding a finger to her lips.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Sshh…" Barbie looked at me reprovingly, went into the bathroom, and turned the shower on full-blast.
"What are you doing?"
"Taking off my clothes, silly."
"I can see that," I replied acidly. "And you look very nice. But what's with the silence routine?"
"Security," Barbie said, unhooking her bra and letting her splendid breasts fall free, a vision for sore eyes in the billowing steam. "Luke taught me. They can't listen to our conversation while the shower is on."
"Guess we'll have to leave the shower on for a while then. Where's the Truth drug?"
"My bra has a secret compartment."
"Tut tut. Don't tell me you need to stuff your bra these days." As a teenager, I had caught Barbie stuffing her training bra with my athletic socks, and blackmailed her into buying us milkshakes for a whole year with her pocket money.
"It's very convenient. I've smuggled all sorts of things in it. Here." Barbie handed me a small glass vial filled with glowing amber liquid.
I looked at the vial curiously. "Truth, huh? How long does it take to work?"
"Ten minutes, maybe fifteen. Works best with food."
"Maybe I should test it on you and find out if you've been naughty or nice lately."
"Very naughty." Barbie got into the marble bath and moaned throatily as the hot water cascaded down her beautiful body. "Oooh, yeah. That's what I needed. You could soap my back, you know, like you used to when we were kids. And isn't there any champagne in this joint?"
"All right, I'll soap your back and bring you some fizz. Luke's been spoiling you. You were never this demanding as a kid." I retreated out of the bathroom, clutching onto the precious fluid. "Let me just get this to safety before you throw the soap at me."
Lulu and Stash didn't get back from the night clubs until six the next morning. After ordering a little something from room service, the four of us walked sedately by the Danube embankment like good little tourists, all the while plotting mayhem and murder, until it was time to meet Maya and her companions. On the way there, we found a toy store and made a few small purchases. Over breakfast at the Café Arpad, brought grudgingly by a puffy-eyed waiter, I told my friends of my plan. Maya whistled approvingly.
"Could work," the oldest swarthy man agreed, grudgingly. "But have to get past the nuns."
"Nuns?"
"Many nuns around the building," the middle man explained. "With sub-machine guns."
"Nuns with guns," Barbie said dreamily. "Sounds like a rock band."
"They must be guarding the Cardinal," Stash said. He looked at his watch. "Well, we should get going."
I nodded in agreement. We got up, pulled out the toy pistols we had bought at the toy store, and finally got the attention of our waiter. We picked out waiters of approximately the right shape and size, forced them to take off their white and black uniforms, tied them together in a circle amidst the café's confused clientele, and gave the long-suffering pianist a handful of money to play Hungarian dances all morning. Lulu, Barbie and I piled into Stash's Mercedes and we followed the nondescript Lada Maya and her friends had rented almost to the entrance of the university building. While Maya and her companions began yelling Kurdish independence slogans through megaphones, attracting a large crowd of curious bystanders, many of whom shouted along in sympathy, Lulu, Stash, Barbie and I dressed quickly in the stolen waiters' uniforms, took up the platters of sandwiches we had ordered from room service at the Grand Hotel, and marched resolutely into the service entrance of the university building. Lulu and Barbie smiled and batted their long eyelashes at the stout nun guarding the gate and offered her a salami sandwich. The nun grunted and let us in. Once we were inside the building, Lulu and Barbie adjusted their clothes, pulling up a skirt, undoing some buttons. The irresistible waitress wenches then led the way past guards and men in purple jumpsuits, flashing smiles and cleavage in every direction, while I consulted the floor plan at each turn. We could hear the Kurdish demonstration growing in volume outside on the street, and hurried before the police arrived and dragged away our friends.
"We've got two minutes max before the guards return," Lulu said urgently, knocking down the first guest suite door. We fanned out down the corridor, searching for Anastasia. Besides a couple of cleaning ladies in mid-fuck, we saw no one. Anastasia was nowhere to be found.
"This is hopeless," I said breathlessly. "She could be anywhere. We have to interrogate Axel and his friends."
"Break into their meeting and feed them sandwiches?
"I know it's rude, Lulu, but I'm desperate."
"All right, let's do it. Sandwiches to the ready… aim, fire."
We marched down the corridor in perfect formation, past some returning jumpsuits. I opened the boardroom door noiselessly and we distributed the sandwich platters evenly along a long glittering mahogany table. The assembled dignitaries ignored us completely, their attention focused on a balding thick-set man with a drooping lower lip who was standing at the head of the room lecturing them in heavy hectoring tones. Listening is hungry work: the Truth-laden sandwiches disappeared within minutes in an orgy of chewing and gobbling. I complacently watched them take their medicine, having stashed away a couple of spare sandwiches in my pocket. Sitting inconspicuously in a corner of the boardroom, I checked my watch. Ten minutes, then fifteen. Time to tell the truth.
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