Just then the phone rang, as if in answer to my wish. "Floss?" I asked happily. Then cautiously: "God isn't there, is he? Good. You have no idea how much trouble it caused last time he listened in on our conversation."
"Well, he is a spy, you know," Floss pointed out. "It's his job. Have you been getting into trouble again?"
"Story of my life. How about you?"
"Well, actually I just got someone out of trouble."
"You sound awfully pleased with yourself about it. What did you do?"
"My first good deed since I was expelled from the Girl Scouts," Floss replied smugly. "There's someone where who would like to speak with you. Here."
"Hi…" The familiar voice was as thickly happy as chocolate syrup.
"Navel!" I exclaimed, jumping for joy. "You escaped!"
"Floss rescued me. Our hero." I heard the sound of lips smacking and then Flossie howling in outrage and smacking him.
"Tell me all."
"Well, there I was on this wretched island in the Outer Hebrides, cold, unshaven, malnourished, an indentured servant to this gruff old man."
"Meredith's grandfather, right?"
"Right. Rasputin had sold me into slavery after my father had delivered me into his evil clutches. Anyway, so there I was on Rottenegg island, slaving away, trying to get all the old man's diapers washed before the storm, when I suddenly saw…"
"Flossie walking on the water?"
"She might as well have been considering the boat was knee deep in water. Anyway there she was with her firm-breasted Sikh amazons, intrepidly sailing in to the rescue…"
"He's telling it all wrong," Floss interjected impatiently, her voice booming over the speaker phone. "It wasn't nearly as romantic as young Mister Pickie makes it sound."
"Oh, so Sikh amazons aren't romantic?" Navel responded hotly.
"Stop bickering, guys," I groaned. "Floss, is Navel just making all this up again?"
"Not quite. I did bring along a few friends to help… God damn it, Navel, get away from that teddy bear. It's mine!"
"Where did you find these friends?" I asked.
"In the Punjab obviously. By the way, you bastard, why did you have to get me freed?"
"I can't believe this." I was stung. "Weren't the Sikhs going to pull all your teeth out?"
"We were just pretending. It was part of my research program to see if the West really cares. Then Xox comes along and intervenes and the Sikh warriors didn't want to play anymore. Don't know why they are so scared of Xox."
"Well, he funds them, doesn't he?"
"Yeah, but it goes deeper than that. They worship him like a god. Anyway, that's where I met Trixie Kaur and the other girls. They're a special guerrilla unit trained in Ninja techniques. Suicide bombers. So when you told me Navel was in captivity, I had the girls fly over…"
"These are real warrior women!" Navel interrupted enthusiastically. "Serious muscles. But they're so bashful too. All veils and dark eyes. Too cool. I'm going to ask Trixie to marry me. Anyway, so Captain Floss and her Sikh amazons come sailing up in their leaky little boat and just take over the island, tie the old man onto a stretcher, sail to the mainland and deliver him to an old folks home. He was still cursing a blue streak when we dropped him off. In Scottish too. Wonder how those prim little old ladies are going to take it…"
"When did you mount the rescue, Floss?" I asked enviously.
"A couple of days ago. I couldn't find you anywhere…"
"And we've been celebrating ever since," Navel hiccuped. "It's been the wildest party. Even Lulu called to congratulate me…"
"She actually called to find you," Floss explained. "But Navel is now totally convinced that he is the centre of the universe."
"A few hours in bed with the Sikh amazon should clarify things for him. Where was Lulu calling from?"
"Budapest." Floss sounded serious. "She had some news for you."
"What is it?"
"Lulu and her husband…
"Stash."
"Yeah. They were in Budapest on her way back to Berlin." Floss hesitated. "Lulu saw Anastasia there."
"Oh my god."
"Apparently Axel is in Budapest for some meeting at the University of Truth and Justice."
"Guess who else is in Budapest? " Navel chimed in. "My father. He found out I had escaped and called right away to threaten me with the mental institution again. Isn't it odd?"
"No, Navel, I don't think it's odd at all," I sighed, remembering the Cardinal mention Mr. Pickie of the Zurich Club at Prince Ludwig's suicide party. "I have to get to Budapest right away."
"Lulu thought you might," Floss replied. "So she and Stash are going to wait in Budapest for you. They're staying at the Grand Hotel."
"They would," I replied, remembering that great domed edifice with the elaborate façade and the courteous doormen in purple livery. I had spent an unforgettable night there once with a cute little Hungarian chanteuse named Annike, back in the carefree days of my early youth, before I became entangled with wild witches and Katholic conspiracies.
"Go to it!" Navel piped up. "Go rescue the girl!"
"I'll do my best," I replied. "You couldn't possibly send those Sikh amazons over here, could you?"
"Can't do that," Floss replied regretfully. "It would take weeks to get them visas. But you know what… I'll call Maya and see if she knows any Kurdish guerrillas lying low in Budapest who might be able to help."
"That would be lovely," I said gratefully. "I'll take all the help I can get."
I stuck a note on Hell's door telling him I was off to Budapest for the weekend. Sweet Annichka at the reception desk called a taxi for me. Ten frantic minutes later, I was sprinting down a railway platform at Prague train station, trying to overtake the accelerating midnight express to Budapest. By some miracle, I made it with a last mad leap, although I twisted my ankle horribly and then had to pay a hefty fine for not having bought my ticket in the train station like everyone else. Central European train conductors have no sense of adventure.
Limping through the crowded train, I eventually found a vacant seat next to a smelly old man with thin unshaven cheeks and mad red-rimmed eyes. Every so often he would smash his fist into the overhead compartment and shout wildly in Romanian. Everyone else scowled at the old man but I found his hoarse war cry oddly exhilarating: I too was on the warpath after all. I bummed a cigarette from the old guy and gratefully sucked in the harsh smoke. Coughing my lungs out, tears obscuring my sight, massaging my bruised ankle, huddled next to my rank neighbour, I had a sudden moment of happiness. All my fears evaporated in that instant of epiphany: I was on my way to rescue my darling, and what could be more romantic than that?
My happiness lasted all the way to Budapest. Standing on the crowded platform, shaking hands cordially with my elderly neighbour (who spoke English, French, and German equally fluently and was a respectable Bucharest book seller and avid chess enthusiast on his way back from a disastrous tournament in Prague), I experienced the first return of apprehension. What if Lulu and Stash had grown impatient and left Budapest? And what if Floss had failed to find Maya for extra help? How was I to storm the Budapest College of the University of Truth and Justice alone?
My fears were groundless: Lulu and Stash greeted me at the Grand Hotel with warm hugs and cold champagne. "Take a hot bath this instant, angel!" Lulu exclaimed, wrinkling her adorable nose in distaste. "How you stink!"
"It's just Romanian cigarettes, Lu." I offered her the battered pack my neighbour had generously given me. "Want one?"
"Don't be silly, sweetie." Lulu ripped open an embossed box of gold-tipped Balkan Sobranies and lit up luxuriously. "We could use those as tear gas though."
"Do you know where they're holding Anastasia captive?"
"Darling," Lulu said nicely. "I hate to break it to you but nobody is holding Anastasia captive. I saw her twice, once with this hefty character with the drooping lower lip…"
"Axel."
"Right. They were having dinner in this very chic restaurant. And the second time was by herself downtown. She was wearing a fur coat and her chauffeur was trotting behind her with lots of bags. She looked like she had been shopping"
"Did you talk to her?"
"I tried, angel." Lulu bit her lip. "I was right in front of her and I waved and called out her name but she just looked blankly at me. Through me, really. Then she just got into her limo and drove away."
"They've got her on drugs," I wailed. "Or hypnotised her. Some kind of mind control."
"Don't be so excitable, sugar," Lulu chided. "She's just blank because you've got her soul stuck away somewhere."
"We have to get her alone so that I can put her soul back into her."
"How do you do that?" Lulu asked with interest. "Do you stick your… soul into her and kind of wiggle it about?"
"That's one way. I bet they've got her in the university building somewhere. We have to get the truth out of her captors somehow."
"Do you have a plan for getting into the university building?" Stash asked, sucking back some chloroform. His calm presence was heartening.
"Do you have your video camera handy?"
"I never travel without it."
"We could pretend to be a film crew."
"Won't work." Lulu shook her head. "Axel and his people hate all forms of popular entertainment."
"Well, we've got to get in there somehow. We can figure out the details later."
"And just how are you going to get the truth out of Axel and his cohorts?"
"I don't know," I replied, perplexed. But then memory hit me like lightning. "The Truth drug. Would you hand me the phone, please? I've got to call Kalifornia right away."
And I did, and Barbie was home and yes, she knew exactly what I was asking about. Luke had told her all about the Truth drug which he was working on and had even left a sample for her use. Barbie agreed without hesitation to catch the next flight out from LA and to secrete the drug on her lovely person. I smiled beatifically at my astounded friends. Those who ask shall receive.
"Well, he is a spy, you know," Floss pointed out. "It's his job. Have you been getting into trouble again?"
"Story of my life. How about you?"
"Well, actually I just got someone out of trouble."
"You sound awfully pleased with yourself about it. What did you do?"
"My first good deed since I was expelled from the Girl Scouts," Floss replied smugly. "There's someone where who would like to speak with you. Here."
"Hi…" The familiar voice was as thickly happy as chocolate syrup.
"Navel!" I exclaimed, jumping for joy. "You escaped!"
"Floss rescued me. Our hero." I heard the sound of lips smacking and then Flossie howling in outrage and smacking him.
"Tell me all."
"Well, there I was on this wretched island in the Outer Hebrides, cold, unshaven, malnourished, an indentured servant to this gruff old man."
"Meredith's grandfather, right?"
"Right. Rasputin had sold me into slavery after my father had delivered me into his evil clutches. Anyway, so there I was on Rottenegg island, slaving away, trying to get all the old man's diapers washed before the storm, when I suddenly saw…"
"Flossie walking on the water?"
"She might as well have been considering the boat was knee deep in water. Anyway there she was with her firm-breasted Sikh amazons, intrepidly sailing in to the rescue…"
"He's telling it all wrong," Floss interjected impatiently, her voice booming over the speaker phone. "It wasn't nearly as romantic as young Mister Pickie makes it sound."
"Oh, so Sikh amazons aren't romantic?" Navel responded hotly.
"Stop bickering, guys," I groaned. "Floss, is Navel just making all this up again?"
"Not quite. I did bring along a few friends to help… God damn it, Navel, get away from that teddy bear. It's mine!"
"Where did you find these friends?" I asked.
"In the Punjab obviously. By the way, you bastard, why did you have to get me freed?"
"I can't believe this." I was stung. "Weren't the Sikhs going to pull all your teeth out?"
"We were just pretending. It was part of my research program to see if the West really cares. Then Xox comes along and intervenes and the Sikh warriors didn't want to play anymore. Don't know why they are so scared of Xox."
"Well, he funds them, doesn't he?"
"Yeah, but it goes deeper than that. They worship him like a god. Anyway, that's where I met Trixie Kaur and the other girls. They're a special guerrilla unit trained in Ninja techniques. Suicide bombers. So when you told me Navel was in captivity, I had the girls fly over…"
"These are real warrior women!" Navel interrupted enthusiastically. "Serious muscles. But they're so bashful too. All veils and dark eyes. Too cool. I'm going to ask Trixie to marry me. Anyway, so Captain Floss and her Sikh amazons come sailing up in their leaky little boat and just take over the island, tie the old man onto a stretcher, sail to the mainland and deliver him to an old folks home. He was still cursing a blue streak when we dropped him off. In Scottish too. Wonder how those prim little old ladies are going to take it…"
"When did you mount the rescue, Floss?" I asked enviously.
"A couple of days ago. I couldn't find you anywhere…"
"And we've been celebrating ever since," Navel hiccuped. "It's been the wildest party. Even Lulu called to congratulate me…"
"She actually called to find you," Floss explained. "But Navel is now totally convinced that he is the centre of the universe."
"A few hours in bed with the Sikh amazon should clarify things for him. Where was Lulu calling from?"
"Budapest." Floss sounded serious. "She had some news for you."
"What is it?"
"Lulu and her husband…
"Stash."
"Yeah. They were in Budapest on her way back to Berlin." Floss hesitated. "Lulu saw Anastasia there."
"Oh my god."
"Apparently Axel is in Budapest for some meeting at the University of Truth and Justice."
"Guess who else is in Budapest? " Navel chimed in. "My father. He found out I had escaped and called right away to threaten me with the mental institution again. Isn't it odd?"
"No, Navel, I don't think it's odd at all," I sighed, remembering the Cardinal mention Mr. Pickie of the Zurich Club at Prince Ludwig's suicide party. "I have to get to Budapest right away."
"Lulu thought you might," Floss replied. "So she and Stash are going to wait in Budapest for you. They're staying at the Grand Hotel."
"They would," I replied, remembering that great domed edifice with the elaborate façade and the courteous doormen in purple livery. I had spent an unforgettable night there once with a cute little Hungarian chanteuse named Annike, back in the carefree days of my early youth, before I became entangled with wild witches and Katholic conspiracies.
"Go to it!" Navel piped up. "Go rescue the girl!"
"I'll do my best," I replied. "You couldn't possibly send those Sikh amazons over here, could you?"
"Can't do that," Floss replied regretfully. "It would take weeks to get them visas. But you know what… I'll call Maya and see if she knows any Kurdish guerrillas lying low in Budapest who might be able to help."
"That would be lovely," I said gratefully. "I'll take all the help I can get."
I stuck a note on Hell's door telling him I was off to Budapest for the weekend. Sweet Annichka at the reception desk called a taxi for me. Ten frantic minutes later, I was sprinting down a railway platform at Prague train station, trying to overtake the accelerating midnight express to Budapest. By some miracle, I made it with a last mad leap, although I twisted my ankle horribly and then had to pay a hefty fine for not having bought my ticket in the train station like everyone else. Central European train conductors have no sense of adventure.
Limping through the crowded train, I eventually found a vacant seat next to a smelly old man with thin unshaven cheeks and mad red-rimmed eyes. Every so often he would smash his fist into the overhead compartment and shout wildly in Romanian. Everyone else scowled at the old man but I found his hoarse war cry oddly exhilarating: I too was on the warpath after all. I bummed a cigarette from the old guy and gratefully sucked in the harsh smoke. Coughing my lungs out, tears obscuring my sight, massaging my bruised ankle, huddled next to my rank neighbour, I had a sudden moment of happiness. All my fears evaporated in that instant of epiphany: I was on my way to rescue my darling, and what could be more romantic than that?
My happiness lasted all the way to Budapest. Standing on the crowded platform, shaking hands cordially with my elderly neighbour (who spoke English, French, and German equally fluently and was a respectable Bucharest book seller and avid chess enthusiast on his way back from a disastrous tournament in Prague), I experienced the first return of apprehension. What if Lulu and Stash had grown impatient and left Budapest? And what if Floss had failed to find Maya for extra help? How was I to storm the Budapest College of the University of Truth and Justice alone?
My fears were groundless: Lulu and Stash greeted me at the Grand Hotel with warm hugs and cold champagne. "Take a hot bath this instant, angel!" Lulu exclaimed, wrinkling her adorable nose in distaste. "How you stink!"
"It's just Romanian cigarettes, Lu." I offered her the battered pack my neighbour had generously given me. "Want one?"
"Don't be silly, sweetie." Lulu ripped open an embossed box of gold-tipped Balkan Sobranies and lit up luxuriously. "We could use those as tear gas though."
"Do you know where they're holding Anastasia captive?"
"Darling," Lulu said nicely. "I hate to break it to you but nobody is holding Anastasia captive. I saw her twice, once with this hefty character with the drooping lower lip…"
"Axel."
"Right. They were having dinner in this very chic restaurant. And the second time was by herself downtown. She was wearing a fur coat and her chauffeur was trotting behind her with lots of bags. She looked like she had been shopping"
"Did you talk to her?"
"I tried, angel." Lulu bit her lip. "I was right in front of her and I waved and called out her name but she just looked blankly at me. Through me, really. Then she just got into her limo and drove away."
"They've got her on drugs," I wailed. "Or hypnotised her. Some kind of mind control."
"Don't be so excitable, sugar," Lulu chided. "She's just blank because you've got her soul stuck away somewhere."
"We have to get her alone so that I can put her soul back into her."
"How do you do that?" Lulu asked with interest. "Do you stick your… soul into her and kind of wiggle it about?"
"That's one way. I bet they've got her in the university building somewhere. We have to get the truth out of her captors somehow."
"Do you have a plan for getting into the university building?" Stash asked, sucking back some chloroform. His calm presence was heartening.
"Do you have your video camera handy?"
"I never travel without it."
"We could pretend to be a film crew."
"Won't work." Lulu shook her head. "Axel and his people hate all forms of popular entertainment."
"Well, we've got to get in there somehow. We can figure out the details later."
"And just how are you going to get the truth out of Axel and his cohorts?"
"I don't know," I replied, perplexed. But then memory hit me like lightning. "The Truth drug. Would you hand me the phone, please? I've got to call Kalifornia right away."
And I did, and Barbie was home and yes, she knew exactly what I was asking about. Luke had told her all about the Truth drug which he was working on and had even left a sample for her use. Barbie agreed without hesitation to catch the next flight out from LA and to secrete the drug on her lovely person. I smiled beatifically at my astounded friends. Those who ask shall receive.
