I am almost always late, not because I don't value other people's time but because I invariably get caught by some old bore who wants to jabber into my ear. After fifteen minutes of insincerely reassuring Professor Masaryk that everything would be all right, really, if he just took a vitamin, I finally managed to escape, just half an hour late for my date with Barbie. Luckily, she knew my habits: I found her in Marek's bar, surrounded by a gaggle of male students. Technology really has changed the world: every red-blooded Central European male under the age of thirty has seen my starlet friend's recent work in such frat classics as The Booze Brothers and Secret Sorority Showers.
"I think my all-time favorite scene was when you crawled out of the beer keg," Fyodor was telling Barbie as I walked into the room. Alexei and Andrei, the art historian twins from Moldova, nodded in intelligent agreement, drooling down Barbie's cleavage.
"I'm so glad you liked it!" Barbie grinned luminously. "I caught an awful cold shooting that scene. That was in Firemen's Party VI. I didn't know anyone had watched that far…"
"Actually, it was in Firemen's Party VII," Fyodor corrected her. "I have seen all twelve movies in that series. At least five times each."
"You were the highlight of my teenage years," Grigori told Barbie, a far away look in his dark eyes. I snickered to myself, trying to imitate that romantic look. Grigori was the University Don Juan. He had seduced every single girl in his department, and a few married ones as well.
"Oh, that's so sweet." Barbie was close to melting. I coughed ostentatiously and joined the group. Barbie turned to me, her eyes shining. "These guys are just adorable. They've seen all my movies."
"And I've seen all their moves." I looked at Grigori severely. "Isn't Svetlana waiting up for you?"
Shame-faced, Grigori mumbled an excuse and drifted off. Barbie frowned at me. "Why are you coming over all big brother?" she said mutinously. "So what if he's married?"
"It's a Russian marriage."
"What's that?"
"You've heard of Russian roulette?"
"All the Russian students have spouses and children at home," Fyodor explained. "None of them knew each other before they came to Prague. But within two weeks of arriving here, they were neatly organised into couples. Naturally, they are all insanely jealous since they have so little time together. Grigori's wife for the year is Svetlana. He has already cheated on her with every girl he can find. If he didn't cheat, he wouldn't feel married."
Barbie was taken aback. "How peculiar."
"Yes, well, Russians are like that." Fyodor leered.at Barbie "Now Ukrainians, on the other hand…"
"Fyodor, what's the matter with you?" I asked, astonished. "Are you drunk?"
"With love!" Fyodor declaimed theatrically. "You bring us a star from Heaven and expect us not to fall in love? We have blood in our veins, not ice!"
"You've got alcohol in your veins, and Barbie is actually a starlet from Kalifornia," I replied tartly. "I've never seen you so drunk before."
"Just a few bottles of pepper vodka, my friend." Fyodor belched drunkenly. "Strictly medicine. To get over the shock…"
"What shock?"
"The shock of seeing our esteemed Professor Novak dragged away by the Czech police. Oh, the screaming and shouting, the wailing and weeping…"
"Marek, call a hospital. Poor Fyodor is having some sort of fit."
"No, he is telling the truth," Alexei said tremulously. Andrei nodded vehemently. "We were sitting in the lecture today and Professor Novak was talking about Deride's theory of meaninglessness. It was after lunch and so we were taking a nice little nap. Just then the door burst open and this fat policeman came storming in with a whole detachment…"
"At least fifty of them," Andrei confirmed.
"And they dragged poor Professor Novak away."
"On what charge?"
"The fat policeman called Professor Novak a pervert."
"Which is true enough."
"But not enough reason to arrest him."
"They called him the Park Killer," Fyodor said sententiously from the floor where he had gradually slumped. "He killed poor Lucy."
"No, he didn't…" I said, aghast at the thought of that mild-mannered aesthetic philosopher in the clutches of Lieutenant Boruvka.
"Yes, he did," Fyodor insisted. "By process of elimination they had figured out that Professor Novak was the only person who knew Lucy and who had been in Prague during the right time period. So they got a search warrant to raid Novak's apartment. And they found all these trophies from all his previous victims, skin, nipples, toenails, nose-rings. He was assembling a big mannequin."
"Oh my god." Barbie shuddered. She looked worriedly at the group of students pressing around her. "This maniac was your professor?"
"He was the head of the department of Culture," Fyodor said with slow relish. "Totally crazy. He confessed to everything. Except Lucy. He said he had nothing to do with her murder. Apparently he went crazy after Divka divorced him. That's when he started picking up prostitutes. He was desperate for human contact…"
"Philosophers get that way," I agreed. "Does Divka know?"
"Novak told them he would only confess if Divka was there. So he calmly told them about all his murders. And then at the end he turned to her and told her he still loved her."
"How romantic."
"She seems to think so. She has been there all day. Immanuel is going crazy with jealousy. I think he has gone to do something really bad. I was trying to stop him but he wouldn't listen." Fyodor tilted his head and sucked back the last of his vodka. "He will get killed and I will feel guilty. That is why I am drinking. It numbs the pain in advance."
"Oh hell." I was worried. "I just hope he won't jump from this building."
Benito came running into the bar. "I can't find her," he announced breathlessly. "Have you seen her anywhere?"
"Who?"
"Lila. If Manny has touched a hair on her head, I swear I'll scalp him," Benito said fiercely. His broad chest quivered. Barbie shivered.
"Why do you think Immanuel would do something to Delilah?" I asked.
"He's missing. She's missing. What do you think?" Benito asked jealously.
"Maybe she's with someone else."
"Oh fuck. Hachek." Benito tottered to the bar. Marek poured him a whisky. Benito tried to slug it back but it went the wrong way when Immanuel made his dramatic entrance.
Enter (stage right) IMMANUEL, his hair standing straight up in a frizzy brown halo, contentedly wiping off the mud and blood from his hands onto his purple robes.
BENITO: cough, cough
IMMANUEL (dramatically): Arise, my children, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Lucifer cavorts with the angels, the morning star is brightest at high noon. And behold, the son of man shall learn from the trees, for they neither toil nor spin, but perpetually move in the wind. The sun pours down its gold and the leaves stay forever green. The mysteries shall now unravel, and the stranger in your midst shall save ye. Arise, my children, for the day of revelations is close at hand.
BENITO: cough, cough
FYODOR (sotto voce): That's the kind of lecture Immanuel has been giving us recently in his Philosophy of Revelation class.
ME (cautiously): Immanuel, where did you get those robes?
IMMANUEL (contentedly): From a bishop.
ME: Did the bishop just give you his robes?
IMMANUEL: Yes. At gunpoint. I was wandering about in the park by the train station when I saw the bishop and knew I had to have his robes. I asked him nicely but he wouldn't obey so I pulled out my gun. (Immanuel holds out his gun. It is a water pistol.) I took him to a nice quiet phone booth and told him to strip. Then I put on the robes and squirted him with the gun and skipped away.
ME: You left the poor bishop in a phone booth?
IMMANUEL: It seemed like the safest place to leave a naked bishop.
BENITO: cough, cough.
Enter (stage left) DELILAH, followed by HACHEK KATASTROFSKI. BENITO springs to his feet in an agony of jealousy.
BENITO: Lila! Where have you been?
DELILAH (surprised): Hachek took me to a movie.
BENITO: You went with him?
DELILAH: What's your problem?
BENITO: I love you.
DELILAH (scornfully): You don't even know me.
BENITO: But I love you.
DELILAH: I heard you the first time round. I love you too but I'm not in love with you.
BENITO (screaming): Aaaaaghhh!!!
DELILAH: Benito, you're like the boy next door. Hachek is different. (HACHEK smirks.) He has this aura of evil. The way he looks at me makes me shudder. He's every mother's worst fear… (BENITO gags. He waves his fist at HACHEK who cocks a snoot back. DELILAH catches her two suitors making horrible faces at each other.) Oh, take a vitamin, you two!
BARBIE (puzzled): Is it always like this around here?
ME: Often.
Just then the phone rings. MAREK picks it up and hands it to me. "It's for you."
"I think my all-time favorite scene was when you crawled out of the beer keg," Fyodor was telling Barbie as I walked into the room. Alexei and Andrei, the art historian twins from Moldova, nodded in intelligent agreement, drooling down Barbie's cleavage.
"I'm so glad you liked it!" Barbie grinned luminously. "I caught an awful cold shooting that scene. That was in Firemen's Party VI. I didn't know anyone had watched that far…"
"Actually, it was in Firemen's Party VII," Fyodor corrected her. "I have seen all twelve movies in that series. At least five times each."
"You were the highlight of my teenage years," Grigori told Barbie, a far away look in his dark eyes. I snickered to myself, trying to imitate that romantic look. Grigori was the University Don Juan. He had seduced every single girl in his department, and a few married ones as well.
"Oh, that's so sweet." Barbie was close to melting. I coughed ostentatiously and joined the group. Barbie turned to me, her eyes shining. "These guys are just adorable. They've seen all my movies."
"And I've seen all their moves." I looked at Grigori severely. "Isn't Svetlana waiting up for you?"
Shame-faced, Grigori mumbled an excuse and drifted off. Barbie frowned at me. "Why are you coming over all big brother?" she said mutinously. "So what if he's married?"
"It's a Russian marriage."
"What's that?"
"You've heard of Russian roulette?"
"All the Russian students have spouses and children at home," Fyodor explained. "None of them knew each other before they came to Prague. But within two weeks of arriving here, they were neatly organised into couples. Naturally, they are all insanely jealous since they have so little time together. Grigori's wife for the year is Svetlana. He has already cheated on her with every girl he can find. If he didn't cheat, he wouldn't feel married."
Barbie was taken aback. "How peculiar."
"Yes, well, Russians are like that." Fyodor leered.at Barbie "Now Ukrainians, on the other hand…"
"Fyodor, what's the matter with you?" I asked, astonished. "Are you drunk?"
"With love!" Fyodor declaimed theatrically. "You bring us a star from Heaven and expect us not to fall in love? We have blood in our veins, not ice!"
"You've got alcohol in your veins, and Barbie is actually a starlet from Kalifornia," I replied tartly. "I've never seen you so drunk before."
"Just a few bottles of pepper vodka, my friend." Fyodor belched drunkenly. "Strictly medicine. To get over the shock…"
"What shock?"
"The shock of seeing our esteemed Professor Novak dragged away by the Czech police. Oh, the screaming and shouting, the wailing and weeping…"
"Marek, call a hospital. Poor Fyodor is having some sort of fit."
"No, he is telling the truth," Alexei said tremulously. Andrei nodded vehemently. "We were sitting in the lecture today and Professor Novak was talking about Deride's theory of meaninglessness. It was after lunch and so we were taking a nice little nap. Just then the door burst open and this fat policeman came storming in with a whole detachment…"
"At least fifty of them," Andrei confirmed.
"And they dragged poor Professor Novak away."
"On what charge?"
"The fat policeman called Professor Novak a pervert."
"Which is true enough."
"But not enough reason to arrest him."
"They called him the Park Killer," Fyodor said sententiously from the floor where he had gradually slumped. "He killed poor Lucy."
"No, he didn't…" I said, aghast at the thought of that mild-mannered aesthetic philosopher in the clutches of Lieutenant Boruvka.
"Yes, he did," Fyodor insisted. "By process of elimination they had figured out that Professor Novak was the only person who knew Lucy and who had been in Prague during the right time period. So they got a search warrant to raid Novak's apartment. And they found all these trophies from all his previous victims, skin, nipples, toenails, nose-rings. He was assembling a big mannequin."
"Oh my god." Barbie shuddered. She looked worriedly at the group of students pressing around her. "This maniac was your professor?"
"He was the head of the department of Culture," Fyodor said with slow relish. "Totally crazy. He confessed to everything. Except Lucy. He said he had nothing to do with her murder. Apparently he went crazy after Divka divorced him. That's when he started picking up prostitutes. He was desperate for human contact…"
"Philosophers get that way," I agreed. "Does Divka know?"
"Novak told them he would only confess if Divka was there. So he calmly told them about all his murders. And then at the end he turned to her and told her he still loved her."
"How romantic."
"She seems to think so. She has been there all day. Immanuel is going crazy with jealousy. I think he has gone to do something really bad. I was trying to stop him but he wouldn't listen." Fyodor tilted his head and sucked back the last of his vodka. "He will get killed and I will feel guilty. That is why I am drinking. It numbs the pain in advance."
"Oh hell." I was worried. "I just hope he won't jump from this building."
Benito came running into the bar. "I can't find her," he announced breathlessly. "Have you seen her anywhere?"
"Who?"
"Lila. If Manny has touched a hair on her head, I swear I'll scalp him," Benito said fiercely. His broad chest quivered. Barbie shivered.
"Why do you think Immanuel would do something to Delilah?" I asked.
"He's missing. She's missing. What do you think?" Benito asked jealously.
"Maybe she's with someone else."
"Oh fuck. Hachek." Benito tottered to the bar. Marek poured him a whisky. Benito tried to slug it back but it went the wrong way when Immanuel made his dramatic entrance.
Enter (stage right) IMMANUEL, his hair standing straight up in a frizzy brown halo, contentedly wiping off the mud and blood from his hands onto his purple robes.
BENITO: cough, cough
IMMANUEL (dramatically): Arise, my children, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. Lucifer cavorts with the angels, the morning star is brightest at high noon. And behold, the son of man shall learn from the trees, for they neither toil nor spin, but perpetually move in the wind. The sun pours down its gold and the leaves stay forever green. The mysteries shall now unravel, and the stranger in your midst shall save ye. Arise, my children, for the day of revelations is close at hand.
BENITO: cough, cough
FYODOR (sotto voce): That's the kind of lecture Immanuel has been giving us recently in his Philosophy of Revelation class.
ME (cautiously): Immanuel, where did you get those robes?
IMMANUEL (contentedly): From a bishop.
ME: Did the bishop just give you his robes?
IMMANUEL: Yes. At gunpoint. I was wandering about in the park by the train station when I saw the bishop and knew I had to have his robes. I asked him nicely but he wouldn't obey so I pulled out my gun. (Immanuel holds out his gun. It is a water pistol.) I took him to a nice quiet phone booth and told him to strip. Then I put on the robes and squirted him with the gun and skipped away.
ME: You left the poor bishop in a phone booth?
IMMANUEL: It seemed like the safest place to leave a naked bishop.
BENITO: cough, cough.
Enter (stage left) DELILAH, followed by HACHEK KATASTROFSKI. BENITO springs to his feet in an agony of jealousy.
BENITO: Lila! Where have you been?
DELILAH (surprised): Hachek took me to a movie.
BENITO: You went with him?
DELILAH: What's your problem?
BENITO: I love you.
DELILAH (scornfully): You don't even know me.
BENITO: But I love you.
DELILAH: I heard you the first time round. I love you too but I'm not in love with you.
BENITO (screaming): Aaaaaghhh!!!
DELILAH: Benito, you're like the boy next door. Hachek is different. (HACHEK smirks.) He has this aura of evil. The way he looks at me makes me shudder. He's every mother's worst fear… (BENITO gags. He waves his fist at HACHEK who cocks a snoot back. DELILAH catches her two suitors making horrible faces at each other.) Oh, take a vitamin, you two!
BARBIE (puzzled): Is it always like this around here?
ME: Often.
Just then the phone rings. MAREK picks it up and hands it to me. "It's for you."
